Beautiful song! Featured on Katherine McPhee’s album “Unbroken” and also sang by Didi on this season’s American Idol.

So in reality today was a “FML!!!!!” shitty day. But how is it that I am still in pretty good spirits? Yes, I will probably take back my words when I realize how much I am going to have to pay when I find out the damages to my car, but still, I don’t know what has exactly put me in a not bad mood. Well maybe I know the answer, but I can’t believe something so little can make me so content.

I woke up seeing that my ceiling is probably ready to cave in on me at any moment, and freaked out. It might not be actually as bad as it is in my head, but I am paranoid and am kind of afraid to sleep in my bed. So I had decided that I may want to sleep in my sister’s room. Then I had texted a certain someone about this, and then although we had originally cancelled plans to go to lunch today, he made some time and we went.

This is the little thing that seemed to have brightened my day. It has been a long time since I spent some time with him. Last week I was so frustrated that he had been growing distant from me, and neglecting me emotionally and sexually. But he has had a lot going on with his own life, which I understand. This is when it made me realize how much I had let myself become emotionally dependent upon him. It has been a year now since we have been seeing each other. We have no title for our relationship, and it causes me much frustration and heartache, but I won’t let him go because he means the world to me. And finally being able to just spend time with him made me feel so great. Just a little of time with him, and him caring about me. It’s the thing that is right.

Last week when I came to the realization that I need to be okay with myself in order to be okay with the other things that go on in my life. A lot of it was about him. I need to be okay with being by myself to appreciate the time and the things I have with him. He is one of my closest friends, someone who gives me honest feedback. And when I felt like I was loosing that, I felt the ground underneath me was crushing. I have been in this position before, and I am not good with handling it. But this is why it is important for me to be happy with myself. And I think a something clicked in my brain last week with this realization. And did something out of my comfort zone, which I know is going to benefit me greatly. This is why I think I was so happy to just spend a little time with one of my bestest friends. I need to be okay with just being friends with him and stop expecting more. Stop expecting myself to be more special then the next person to him. Just know it. I am more significant. I mean a lot to him, and he opens up to me more then anyone else. He has only me to lean on when he wants to. I can’t expect someone who has such emotional boundaries to just break them down. I can’t fight him to open up to me. I need to show him that if he wants to he can, but its okay for him not to if he doesn’t.

Anyways, back to the shit day. So while I was driving home, my car is starting to act up and the malfunction lamp comes on. Of coarse. But I did make it home safely. So I call my dad and he said he would be home shortly so I stayed inside. Then he comes home around an hour after I arrive home, and he tells me to go outside with him. Then THEN, we see that my car had been hit. This was not there before I was home because I opened the hood of my car when I got home, not that I would know what to look at, but I would have noticed such a dent on the side of my car. So someone hit my car and ran. And I can’t drive my car. I had to inconvenience my sister to drive home from her school 30 minutes away so I can use her car for the week.

Right when I was in a good mood this sort of stuff has to happen. Yes, it could be worse. But it just all piled on in one day, which was mean to be my day of relaxation. Gotta appreciate what I have I guess. And the friendships that I want to hold dear.

I have a very soft image, and for the most part I can fit this image. I am a pretty good person, obedient, hard workings, and have a innocent presence. Those I have been intimate with know that I may not be a good girl all the time, but that is something that I share with those I am comfortable with, and not with everyone. But once in awhile I feel like I like to be like everyone  else, say things I usually don’t say, and do things I usually don’t do. But I feel like right away I get judgment eyes, and that I shouldn’t be doing those things. According to a friend “Dragging my innocent name in the mud”, just because I may have discussed a somewhat sexual conversation, but not even to a serious extent. It gets tiring sometimes, being the person everyone thinks I should be. I am who I am , and if its not who you think I am, then I’m sorry. But know that I can have a good time, that I like to have fun too.

Because of this, I feel like I can be a good friend to others, that I can listen to people’s conversations with an open mind. So that’s my rant 🙂

Fill In the Blank Friday :)

Well since I somewhat got woken up at 4am, and haven’t been able to go back to sleep. Here is my Fill in the Blank Friday 🙂

1. I am hoping my Valentine’s day this year includes,   having a smooth shift. Since I have to be at work all day anyways, I hope those who come into my work and sit with me, that I am able to make their Valentine’s Day a joyful experience, and a time for them to spend with their loved ones in peace.

2. My biggest guilty pleasure is American Idol and ANTM. I just can’t help it! Oh and licorice! The red ones only.

3. I am most proud of being 100% Hapa!

4. If I could choose one outfit to live in it would be my pj’s. When i stay home all day, that is what I am in.

5. People are the best and worst things in the world. But they are very intriguing and I always love meeting new ones.

6. I would rather be playing volleyball     than doing any school work!

7. I love my dog    more than my car hehe

I seem to be obsessed with the feeling of being “needed”. I need to feel that somewhere out there, my presence is irreplaceable, and I need to be there for something to get done, or I need to be there in order to put a smile on someone’s face. But lately, there are few things that are fulfilling that obsession. Sad to say, one of them is work, and the other is my puppy Sora. And that’s not saying too much. It’s actual human connections that I am missing lately. I believe I might have actually freaked out last weekend because of this unfulfillment.

But then I went through my week, and each day got a little better, and I remembered that I don’t really need anyone else, if I am happy with my own self. If I am happy with myself, then people will be drawn to my inner self-love. Not in a conceited way or anything like that, but I believe that people who love themselves, and live for themselves, have a certain presence and a mersmerizing glow. This is something that I am always attracted to, whether it be in a friendship or something more. If this person is confident within their own means, and has the utmost respect for their own soul, and of coarse to those around them, I melt.

So my goal for myself it to learn to love myself more. I have a lot of people who love me, so I shouldn’t have much room to complain. But I need a change in my life in order to be more happy with myself. So I need to see in myself what the people around me who love me see in me. This is my new mission.

The new show I will be watching is “How To Make it In America”. (check out the pilot episode @ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1z8D_K2gFfs). Now for those “Entourage” fans you might just like this show, but for me it seems pretty down to earth, and just a fun show to watch for people my age. And of coarse there are many plus sides like,

and

Can’t wait to watch the next episode! Also be sure to check out the music being featured on the show. It can be found on the “How To Make It in America” fanpage on facebook 🙂 It features some good artists like Kid Cudi himself of coarse, Chromeo, LUPE FIASCO, and the wonderful Phoenix! So check it out yo!

Please 🙂

Saw it on my home from volleyball, and thought it was a considerate and kinda cute.

So i do believe we all have odd fears that not many people understand other than those who share your fear. To me, it’s dinosaurs. They are the UGLIEST, and SCARIEST creatures. As usual I always get the feedback, “Why? They don’t even exist anymore?” Not the point! If you really paid attention to your surroundings as you walked around during your every day activities, you may notice that they are just around the corner, constantly.

Is it really necessary?

Trypophonia is my phobia. Look it up. I can’t even type it without getting goosebumps!